Reflections
by Nyx Nox
Summary: Sirius reflects on his position as godfather and is comforted by Remus. Entry for Round 2 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction contest. Inspired by Shelter by The XX.


Title: Reflections

Word count: 1348

**A/N: **Round two called for song lyrics. The lyrics 'Can I be? Was I there?', 'It felt so crystal in the air.', 'I still want to drown whenever you leave;' and, 'Please teach me gently how to breathe.' from The XX's song Shelter were the inspiration for this piece. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

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The Order of the Phoenix meetings grew excruciatingly boring now that they had become more regular. Twice a week. Sirius groaned. Dumbledore's rambling became monotonous as he droned on with updates about protection the school was taking now that Voldemort was back. Sirius balled his hands into fists as he listened, swearing that he would leave if another argument about dementors was brought up.

"Why does this concern me?" He burst out. The room fell silent; all eyes were on him.

"Your godson will be returning to Hogwarts this year." Molly Weasley tut-tutted. She still distrusted him even after his name was cleared. "Maybe if you tried to care mo-"

"I care enough, Molly." Sirius hissed through gritted teeth. "It would be easier if he was here." The Weasley kids had been out of school for almost a month now. Remus gave him a warning glance from across the table.

"You know very well that he can't be here. Dumbledore said so himself." Molly glanced at Albus. The headmaster stayed silent, choosing to avoid the conflict, and cleared his throat.

"And why not?" Sirius rose angrily from his chair. "Your children are here. He deserves to be with his friends." His grey eyes glanced angrily around at the shocked faces of the others in the room. Remus pushed his chair back, ready to rise if Sirius' temper flared up any more than it had. He would have followed if Sirius hadn't shaken his head and mouthed 'not now' at him.

"I'm done." Sirius announced. He gave one last glance and disappeared from the room.

The others in the room stared after him. He could be heard storming up the stairs of the mansion. The screams of his mother joined the mix when they heard the unmistakable sound of his door slamming.

Sirius flung himself on his bed and let out a distressed yell. He screamed until his lungs grew tired, and did something he hadn't done since his teenage years of being trapped in the house. He began to kick and break apart any furniture and decorations in the room that were not permanently stuck to the walls and floor. His anger ebbed when he took it out on his bedside table. He kicked one of the legs and stepped away when the small table fell to the ground. Its contents ejected onto the floor at his feet. Sirius thought nothing of it until he spotted a dust covered hand mirror.

He kneeled down to pick the mirror up and, very gingerly, carried it to his bed. Once there he sat on the edge of the bed and began to further examine the mirror. The iron casting, albeit dusty, along the outside was still exactly the same as he remembered.

Memories of detentions spent whispering back and forth flooded back. Sirius felt overwhelmed. Tears trickled down his cheeks. He was unaware as he kept thinking. The memories were repressed up until that moment. They seemed to flash before his eyes. Pestering Severus, cheating on exams, temporarily locking the girls out of their rooms, James' wedding; there were far too many for him to handle at once. Sirius roughly grasped the mirror.

Unaware of what he was doing, he raised it, and whispered, "James Potter." He half expected to see his best mate appear in the reflection. Instead, an over populated drawer reflected back at him. The mirror had to be somewhere in the house. He sat there stunned, unmoving even when the door to his room opened. His thoughts were lost to the memory of the last day he saw James, his eyes filling with tears.

_He and Remus showed up to help babysit Harry so Lily and James could have some time to themselves. _The event had happened before the family was forced into hiding. _The two came bearing gifts; a sword and toy broomstick for the young boy._ _He and Remus snuggled on the couch while the tot played around and wreaked havoc around the house. Then meal time came. Lily and James were due back before dinner. The two decided that they would cook a meal for the family and give Lily a break from cooking. All went well until Harry was covered head to toe in flour._

"Sirius," A voice drifted into the memory, "Sirius? It's me, love."

Remus entered without being noticed. He wrapped his arms around Sirius once he sat beside him and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

The memory was crystal clear until Remus interrupted and fizzled out as Sirius became aware of his surroundings. He felt warm now that he was in the familiar embrace of _his_ wolf. He said nothing and leaned into his lover's grasp. The tears kept falling.

"I miss him." Sirius whispered. "I feel like a failure for not having Harry here with us."

Remus pulled Sirius toward him and gave him a soft kiss. "Shush." He breathed into the kiss.

"There's nothing you can do to bring him here sooner." Remus murmured after pulling away. "Dumbledore said he was doing all he could to get him here."

"I'm failing James." Sirius gave a dejected sigh as an answer. "I promised to care for Harry if anything went wrong."

"We both did." Remus reminded him. He held Sirius close, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Sirius asked. He used a free hand to wipe his tears away. He would have cried more if Remus weren't in the room, but his partner didn't seem to want to leave. The memory was still fresh in his mind. Perhaps talking about things would make the much belated feelings of grief go away.

"I'm not the one cooped up in the home that made his life a living hell." Remus shrugged. Sirius lightly punched his shoulder.

"My past seems inescapable." Sirius hugged Remus. "Even now. I found the mirrors, Moony." Remus held Sirius close. "The memories… They came back. The good ones though. Nothing bad." Sirius breathed heavily as he recounted the events of the memory. "I feel ridiculous for believing his face would have appeared. I had to try though."

"It would have been a miracle if his face had appeared." Remus sighed, "But the memory- Sirius, breathe." His voice grew alarmed when he heard the gasps coming from his partner. "It's been fifteen years since they were killed. Crying about it now won't change anything." He felt terrible for saying so but he needed Sirius to calm down. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

Sirius tried to calm down. He mumbled something incoherent to his mate and lay down. Sleep would be the only way to rid his mind of the day's terrible emotions. Remus got the hint and magically turned the lights off. He set his wand in the back pocket of his trousers and lay behind Sirius.

"Please don't leave." Sirius whispered into the darkness. He smiled when he felt Remus' arms slip around him.

"Wouldn't dream of it." Remus grinned, "Now get some sleep and cheer up. I heard Harry should be here by the end of the week."

"Are you sure?" Sirius felt wide awake now. He tilted his head down to steal a kiss from his lover.

"Would I lie to you?" Remus poked his side.

"No." Sirius sighed, "You wouldn't."

"Exactly, now sleep."

"I can't." huffed Sirius, "I... Remus, I want to find the match to my mirror. I think it would make the perfect birthday gift for Harry."

"If you find it before then." Remus yawned. "You and I both know Molly's been wanting to clean the whole house."

"I don't want her going through anything yet." Sirius muttered. "She'd probably lose an arm or something while cleaning. The house hasn't been touched since before I was in Azkaban. Mum didn't like knowing it was left to me. And, Remus? Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, yes dear..." Remus mumbled sleepily. Sirius ended the conversation at that. He rested his head on Remus' chest and listened to the thumping of the werewolf's heart. His breathing soon matched that of his paramour.


End file.
